Slate’s Jessica Stoya advises young women to prioritize attraction over frequency to overcome sexual anxiety

Key points

• The reader, an early-20s woman, reports rarely feeling horny and finds porn or erotica ineffective for arousal.
• She has had limited sexual experience, which has led to significant performance anxiety and a reluctance to engage with attractive partners.
• The advice rejects the notion that simply having more sex will resolve the issue, noting that sex without interest often worsens anxiety.
• Stoya suggests investigating specific kinks, such as soft dominance, to find what triggers arousal, rather than focusing on general frequency.
• The columnist recommends exploring erotic material or attending tame BDSM events to observe reactions and build confidence without immediate performance pressure.

Background

This advice aligns with recent discussions on sexual desire, such as the August 2026 study on 'Mercy Sex,' which found that many women engage in sex without desire to maintain relationship stability. However, the current advice focuses on individual self-discovery rather than relational obligation, highlighting a shift toward prioritizing personal arousal and comfort over external expectations.

Why it matters

The advice challenges the common assumption that sexual frequency is the primary metric for sexual health, instead advocating for a personalized approach to desire. It highlights the importance of addressing anxiety and specific preferences to improve sexual satisfaction, particularly for those who feel out of step with societal norms regarding sexual activity in their 20s.

What to watch

Readers are encouraged to explore specific erotic interests and low-pressure environments to identify what generates arousal. The advice suggests that patience and self-discovery are key to overcoming performance anxiety and building confidence in sexual experiences.